Counting
by Books In the Blood
Summary: Henry and Abigail thought it would be easy to have a child but after two years of trying they find its not so easy. Feeling distant from Abigail physically and emotionally, Henry plans a weekend getaway with her, hoping to rekindle the kind of love they used to have and assure her that even if they never have kids they will always have each other.


Warning: Contains discussions of pregnancy/infertility and vague mentions of sexual situations

Henry watched Abigail disappear into the bathroom, throwing himself on the bed in defeat as she slammed the door behind her. He could hear the sound of the shower beginning to run and felt a knot gathering in his chest. This trip had been his idea and it was already a disaster. All he'd wanted to do was make Abigail, and honestly himself, feel better but now they were already arguing.

He and Abigail had always had a very good relationship. Things had been passionate and heavy right from the beginning and they had remained so until recently. They were crazy about each other, could talk for hours on end and shared so many interests that being with her was effortless. Even when they fought it almost always ended up with them in bed forgetting why they were angry. But lately there had been a terribly rift between them and Henry wasn't sure how to fix it.

Abigail wanted a child; as much as she loved Abe she wanted a child she had carried and gave birth to. She wanted Abe to have a sibling. Henry hadn't been convinced; he was thinking about the pain that he would one day come to when he watched not only Abe but another of his children die before him. But on their long overdue honeymoon, she had finally convinced him to try. Abe had brought so much joy to Henry's life that he could see, no matter how much it would one day hurt to watch him pass away, that the happiness was worth the pain. Having another child could bring even more happiness to their lives. Henry was then completely on board for trying to have a child of their own.

But that had been two years ago. Initially, they had been so hopeful; intimacy wasn't an issue between them and Henry was sure that Abigail would get pregnant soon. Only she hadn't…..months dragged on into a year which slowly and painfully dragged into two. It had become obvious that something was wrong but what it was no one knew. They were doing everything they could to make it happen but each month with no pregnancy dashed their hopes even further. Their lives had become a series of counting; counting fertile days, counting sexual encounters, counting minutes until the pregnancy test would tell them they were not pregnant…..counting disappointments. Their spontaneous and vibrant sex life had been reduced to a clinical process guaranteed to produce the best results. Now they weren't being intimate at all. Three weeks, four days since Abigail had given up on even trying and Henry had been counting all of those days too. It was the longest they had ever gone and it was painful in more ways than one.

As much as Henry wanted a child, he didn't want the lack of a baby of their own to destroy what they had. Abigail looked so empty and defeated sometimes; it killed Henry to see it. She naturally blamed herself for their inability to conceive and wouldn't hear any of it when Henry had tried to tell her it could be his fault. He didn't want it to be anyone's fault; some people just couldn't convince and even if they couldn't he still wanted things to be alright with them. Abigail felt less of a woman without being able to have a baby like other women seemed to do effortlessly. Henry didn't feel much like a man either; a husband should be able to provide his wife with everything that she wanted, including a baby.

In an effort to repair their crumbling marriage, Henry had planned a weekend getaway, just the two of them. He hoped that a change of scenery and routine around them might distract them and help them reconnect. But they had been at each other's throats since they left the house. Henry didn't know why but every little thing seemed to set either her or him off against each other. It was horrible…it was not at all like them. Henry felt like their relationship was spiraling out of control and he feared if he didn't get ahold of it now, it might be beyond repair.

Tentatively, Henry walked toward the door of the bathroom, surprised to find that Abigail hadn't locked it. Henry knew she might give him an earful for barging in on her in the shower but he just ached to make things right between them.

When Henry walked into the room, he could see Abigail faintly through the thick mist that had filled the room and his heart broke. Abigail was leaning against the shower glass, arms around herself as she sobbed. It was worse than he had seen her cry for a long time; she was crying as if her heart was breaking and it made Henry want to do anything that he could to make it stop. After all, it had been his fault she was in here. As soon as they were in the hotel room he'd been pulling at her clothes. In fairness to himself, he hadn't known it was that time of the month for Abigail. She yelled at him for being insensitive and for planning this trip in the first place but he knew she really wasn't mad at him deep down. Her monthly was, yet again, proof that she wasn't pregnant.

Henry's heartbeat was in his throat, his stomach aching; there was nothing he could do to make this better. If they hadn't gotten pregnant at this point then in all likelihood they weren't ever going to. But Henry wanted to make it better; he wanted them to at least have each other. He didn't want them to be at odds; he didn't want distance between them.

Henry didn't know if it was a good idea; he didn't really even give it much thought before he was taking his clothes off. There was no way that he could leave this room knowing that Abigail was in here crying because of him. And honestly, he wanted nothing more than to hold Abigail in his arms, to comfort her, to feel her. How long had it been since he'd been able to touch her and it hadn't been fraught with tension? Henry had lost count.

Throwing his clothes in a heap on the floor next to Abigail's hastily discarded ones, Henry put his hand on the handle of the shower door. She hadn't noticed him yet and he had the smallest moment of hesitation; if he pushed her again she might be lost to him. But right now, he didn't want to think of making a baby or that it might be impossible to do so. All he wanted was her.

Henry pushed the shower door open and stepped into the cloud of steam and warm water. At the sound of Henry closing the shower door behind him, Abigail noticed him, turning around with a slight jump. She brushed at her eyes, trying to make it look like she hadn't been crying.

"Henry…..what….." Abigail tried to ask. She was confused as she watched him cross the small space from the door to her. It broke his heart to see her pulling back as if trying to hide herself, her eyes red from crying.

She wasn't yelling and she wasn't running; Henry took a chance. Wrapping his arms around her, he leaned in and put his lips to Abigail's. For one frightened second he was afraid she was going to push him away. Her arms hung at her sides and she flinched at the touch. After a moment's hesitation, Henry could feel her give in and return the kiss.

And it was so good…..for a moment it was like it used to be and Henry ached to have that back again. He wanted to have her no matter what else in the world happened and for a moment they were lost in simply each other and it was fantastic. Henry felt Abigail put her arms around him, fingernails skirting against his back as he cupped her face in his hands, deepening the kiss. Her skin was wet and silky under his fingers and a fire was springing up inside of him to trace every bit of it; with fingers, teeth, tongue…It was so freeing to get lost like this; to get lost in her. To trace water drops down her skin, to let her tongue dominate his own, to feel her body press against his with no clothes to be barriers…to just feel was a release.

Abigail had gotten lost in it as much as he had but she seemed to come back to herself when she felt the evidence of his arousal. She jumped, pulling back from the kiss. She let herself still be held in his arms but broke contact with his lips as she looked up at him. Water ran over her flushed cheeks, biting her lip.

"I can't…..you know I can't right now" Abigail said, her tone breathless. Henry didn't think he imagined a slight note of desperation in her words.

"Of course you can" Henry said, leaning in and putting his lips on Abigail's neck. He could feel her tremble under his touch and hoped desperately that she didn't push him away. He didn't want to push her but at the same time he wanted this to happen to feel something other than pain and show her it could be good again.

Abigail's back was pressed against the glass as Henry leaned in and pulled harder on her neck. Her hands dug into his hair and pulled and he knew he had her now. "I can't get pregnant now" Abigail gasped out, digging harder into his hair with vicious strength; he didn't care if this ended up with him bald. Anything to keep her here doing this.

Henry pulled back from her neck, planting a gentle kiss to her forehead, nose and finally lips before he smiled at her. "You're so beautiful, you know that?" He let his fingers dance across her arms, over her breasts and along her stomach, his eyes taking in as much of her as he could. When his eyes met hers again, he could see surprise there he hasn't expected.

Surprised…she was surprised and Henry instantly felt guilty. How long had been since they had been like this, kissing and passionate; how long had it been since this was about wanting to do it? How long had it been since Abigail had felt like the beautiful woman she was in his arms and not like a failure? If she had felt like that for any amount of time then it was too long.

Henry's mouth connected with Abigail's with such speed and force that he could feel the gasp that issued from her and ended in his own mouth. His hands traveled down her shoulders, along her arms and down to her hips as he kissed her so forcefully that his heart raced in his chest and his breath came in shaky bursts. He didn't want it to end; didn't care about the need to breathe at such a time like this. But as he pressed into her warm heat with a shudder, Abigail's head fell back and away from his as she gasped.

"Henry….." Abigail protested, her voice heavy and labored, her hands gripping his shoulders with a vice grip. His name came out as a protest but it wasn't the kind of protest that said that she didn't want him to continue. It was the kind protest that said that she was scared. Scared of letting him down, of letting herself down…scared of failing.

Henry let one of his hands come to Abigail's face, cupping her cheek in his hand as he smiled at her with all of the affection that he felt inside. "Abigail, you are beautiful and amazing and I _want_ you" Henry said truthfully. "I don't care what day of the month it is. All I care about is I love you and I don't want this" Henry pressed against her further so that they were flush and he could feel all of her gentle skin against his own "to end."

Henry was waiting for Abigail to look surprised like she had before but what Henry saw instead was so much better. With a fire in her eyes that Henry felt burn all the way down to his toes, Abigail reached around his neck and pulled his mouth to her own.

This time, Henry didn't have to worry. This time, he didn't have to think he was letting Abigail down or that he was going to lose her. He didn't have to think at all. All he had to do was _feel….._ feel warmth around him, feel scratches on his skin, feel skin pressed against him, feel the tremble of the person he loved most in the world match his own delight to the end.

…..

The act of putting clothes on rather than taking them off had always been a source of some frustration for Henry as he was sure it was for any other man as passionate as he was. But this time, in this moment, as his fingers traced still warm moist skin as he closed the buttons on Abigail's pajamas, it felt nearly as intimate as the act of taking them off. As he did the last button of her blouse, he could feel her pull up his own pajama bottoms and set them in place at his hips. With a smile he was watched the deliberate path of her eyes as she did so; he hadn't felt so studied in a long time and he enjoyed it.

It didn't matter that it was the middle of the afternoon; they could have dinner delivered to their room if only it meant they didn't have to leave the place of happiness Henry felt in his heart finally. He pushed back the covers of the bed and slipped into it, followed by Abigail. Turing on his side so he could look at her, he was not met with the happy or shy post-coital look he had hoped to see. It was surprising; the event in the shower had made Henry feel as though he was light and easy and might just blow away. But Abigail looked sad, pained even.

"Are you okay?" Henry asked, keeping his tone light even though he was worried. He hoped that they weren't just right back where they had been before their tryst. He wasn't sure he could handle the disappointment of going back to the place of distance they had come to be in. Henry put his hand on her abdomen and rubbed his hand in massaging circles. "Are you hurting?" Abigail could be racked with such pain from her monthly and he hoped the answer might be as simple.

"No…..I'm not hurting" Abigail said, her eyes fixed on his and he faltered when he saw tears in them again. "I'm afraid, Henry."

Henry felt the tremble of his own fear whisper through him but he maintained a neutral expression for Abigail's sake. He put an arm around her and pulled her closer. "What are you afraid of?" he asked gently. He himself was afraid she might confirm the worse; she was afraid they would never have a child and it would rip them apart.

Abigail sniffled with the effort of trying not to cry but she managed not to. "I'm afraid of losing you" she admitted. "I'm afraid of it not being enough."

Henry felt a pang in his stomach; was it possible he had made things worse? "Is this because of what just happened? If I pushed you, I'm sorry-" he started but Abigail stopped him.

"No" she said. "You didn't push me. That….that was great. It was fantastic actually"

Henry ran his thumb lightly along Abigail's eye where the shadow of a tear was trying to make its way out of her eye. "If it was so good why do you look sad?" Henry asked. He felt all of the happiness and relief he'd had falling down around inside him.

Abigail finally opened her glassy eyes to look at him. Henry's heart twisted in knots at the sight of her. Perfect skin illuminated by the afternoon sunshine, golden hair falling around her like a halo; she was so incredibly beautiful even when she looked so sad. "I pushed you to have a child and now I can't even do it. I don't want this to pull us apart. Already I feel we're separating." Abigail said. The tears she had been fighting finally fell from her eyes.

Henry would have been lying if he said that he hadn't felt the exact same thing because he had. He had painfully felt the distance from Abigail, emotionally and physically lately. But it didn't have to be that way and he didn't want it to be either.

"We don't have to" Henry said, hiding his own fear in his voice to make himself sound more hopeful. He wrapped his arms around her as he clung to her, desperately almost. "I know I've felt tension lately but it doesn't have to be that way. I want to give you a child; it kills me that I can't. But even if we never have children I don't want to lose you. I will always love you, no matter what happens. I love you and I love Abe; if that's all our family ever is I'll be the most blessed man there is." Henry felt a lump forming in his throat and he was dangerously close to losing his composure. "If I can never give you a child, will you still love me?"

Henry hadn't even known that he needed to ask the question until he had; once it was out of his mouth he was afraid of the answer. What if Abigail hesitated? What if she said no?

Henry didn't have long to agonize over what she might say; a moment later Abigail's lips were on his, burning and fierce. Henry's nerves were set ablaze from the unexpected contact; his tired body began to stir curiously again. With his heart racing and Abigail clinging to him tightly as if she'd never let go, Henry could only feel with relief that he knew what her answer would be.

Henry felt the loss just as quickly when Abigail pulled back from him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, looping her leg around his to pull herself even closer. "Of course I love you, Henry" Abigail said with passion in her voice and in her eyes boring into him. "I loved you the day I met you and every day since. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you."

Henry felt waves of relief and love bursting from his heart and he couldn't resist pulling Abigail into another kiss. Pulling back enough to gain breath but not so far that their lips no longer touched, Henry smiled at Abigail. He hadn't realized how long it had been since he'd heard her say she loved him and how keenly he'd felt the loss. He hadn't realized how important it was.

"If you love me and I love you then nothing is going to pull us apart" Henry promised her truthfully before meeting her lips again with his.

 _Since more than half of Henry's flashbacks of Abigail seem to have them doing it I think we can reasonably assume they were going at it like rabbits most of the time. Its always struck me that they must have had fertility issues because otherwise they would have had a dozen kids I think ;) Poor babies...at least they have each other. Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know what you thought of it._


End file.
